What are the signs that show you've lost control of your dependence? Managing a habit can be one of the most difficult things anyone could ever undergo.
Having handled with it for years, I lost and retrieved control of my life, my thoughts and my body after what felt like a life full of battle, anxiety, and depression. The world should have broke down onto itself and it would've mattered recently the same to me.
When I began using I felt like all of my fears were rendered inactive.
The negative feelings and thoughts that I felt like almost killed me became one with the false alarm of happiness, dragging me even further to the depression hole and endless tunnels.
One of the hardest phases of my dependence were the main couple months before really going into recovery. Being unable to admit I had an issue was what took charge of my life and made me adopt a'resolute'state of mind, like a madman, finding excuses and acceptable explanations to justify my attitude, before I eventually understand that it had taken away all I cared about, everyone I ever loved and every single vision I ever had.
Regardless of the quantity of the substance I took, my addiction made me feel disillusioned about life in general. Dejection assumed me like a huge blanket that halted me from going in any particular direction. All things appeared to be a foregone cause and the feeling of sorrow I began experiencing could juts be contrasted with the let-down I understood I was inducing to my adorable ones. My situation appeared hopeless while my lamentations were only equalled by the feeling of being let-down which my family felt because of me. I felt like everything was trying refresh my memory on my so many errors and the grief I was causing everyone. The frustration and guilt were like a loop, went on and on, giving me an excuse to go back to using the reason of the frustration, I did not realize that I was feeding the loop. By using it over and over again, I hit the bottom of depression and I felt like I could not crawl my way out, I was so hopeless in the darkest place to be. By now the depression and nervousness within me were so exhausting that my supposed liberation which is my addiction only compounded my problems.
Thankfully, I was surrounded by some people that cared so much about me and they stayed beside me during my struggle and help me to see the light in the end of the tunnel. Well, my reliance on drugs seemed like a mystery to several others, so they left. Truly, my problems were complex, and it affected my attitude towards the people who stood by me. I turned out to be so visually impaired with simply getting the following hit, that I let it eclipse everything else. I skipped work because I just could not and would not go. I avoid meeting people I loved because I could not imagine myself without using for a long time, it tied me down. Life contracted itself to only a certain something, and that extremely one thing was what killed the lights throughout my life to the point where I lost all that I once thought about.
At no point in time have self-discipline been a positive attribute of mine. When I was utilizing, I cant even recall how many occasions I told myself it was the final time. Each of those moments lead to me believing how it would be well to just apply a small portion more as a "goodbye" to the substances. It was impossible to converse with people nor have them see me, despair and nervousness were written all over me, and this made me feel extremely bitter. I locked myself in my apartment, leaving my work and everything I should have done outside. The bills were heaping, I could only stared at them. Sometimes the phone would not cease to ring as everyone knew there were issues in my life which I'm battling with; I just didn't want to admit to them that they were right. I felt like I no longer have power over anything. having no idea that it was something I consumed infinitely.
This was possibly the thing that caused matters tougher than what they could've been. My worry of being evaluated or cast out caused me deceive so often that in the end, it was virtually hard to maintain all the things I had created just to be in a position to fulfil my dependence. I seek help in the form of money to feed my addiction from my friends and family, without paying them back. Dependence was destroying my life in various ways, financially, emotionally and biologically. I was misusing my body. I desisted from food, stopped looking after myself, began to shed weight at a frightening speed; everybody knew I was having issues and they all wished to render assistance, but lying to them and myself only created a barrier between them and me. I did not realize that I was also lying to my suffering self. I told myself quite a few stories, arguments and excuses to continue usage that I think I could've written a book on lame reasons to misuse substances.
Withdrawal is one of the most unpleasant experiences a user can have. The uneasiness and each one of those blended feelings that make everything feel like damnation is something that I needed to escape as could be allowed. I was utilizing to never lose that high feeling because I understood what came after and I couldn't handle it. It results in an avoidable lust to use again and again. I was defeated by the situation that pushed me to take the easy way, by using again. And because of the fact that the more I take it, the higher the tolerance I developed, it became worse with time.
After all the justifiable reasons were said. Every connection with loved ones was broken by me. Every one of my feelings of dread turned out to be valid and I no longer thought about whatever else other than being high. I pushed everybody out of my life and just a couple sat tight outside for the chance to emerge where they could return and help me. I was totally blinded by my habit that virtually nothing else is significant. My boss dismissed me, my workmates halted ringing, most of my blood ties slowly gave up and attempted to turn the page.
At this phase, I started to recall all the things that have been said by my loved ones that I really needed help. When I thought all was lost, when I knew that I reached the worst possible situation, I discovered I needed help and there were enough around to assist me in moving out of that dark and deep well I carelessly entered into.
Staying with a dependence is possibly the most difficult situation I have ever experienced, and surely could as well be the toughest thing my family and allies have ever undergone. If only me and my family understood better about addiction and to handle it, I know it could be an easier process for everyone, so I hope it would be better for everyone else out there. As things were moving out of control, those that constantly supported me were paying attention to all these signs that I could not see from the start.
Love and persistence were two things that spared me and my friends and family.
I thought everything was lost however at last, I experienced a recuperation procedure that opened my eyes to another upbeat solid life, where I haven't overlooked my past yet I pardoned myself for what I did and requested absolution without disgrace. No doubt that phase was difficult yet I am glad I was well supported during the entire dark period.
Detecting these signs can bring a big difference in the life of a dependent, allowing them understand that you yet care despite how bad things will get can be what in the end brightens up the road to sobriety.